Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Probably Feeling Like You

Feeling like- I just got home from a 9 hour work day and I'm worrying that I might have too much time on my hands! Which reminds me of an AA pal that used to say, " I never go up into my head without a gun and a flashlight."
I read my favorite news sites ( see below), listened to five minutes of Randi Rhodes, then uploaded the Friday episode of Democracy now and it's still waiting to be opened.
I remember how my therapist/spiritual guide Kathie once gave me an essay that theorized, that if each of us beings were a country, how would we run our policies? For instance what causes us to go to war, to batten down the hatches, to sandbag and land mine the perimeters. What causes us to be diplomatic when everything points to war? Which at this time made me think of my ex, who given half a chance would have turned our home into a bunker. I don't know what he was afraid of, it was before Bush 2. But he has his own smoke to shovel.
So I took this essay home and I gave it some thought. (Was still living with the Bunker Boy - soon - to- be - ex). I thought about my land mines and perimeters. I thought about how isolated I felt, that I had two children and no family of my own to run to, and one wrong move would put me into the category of Single Mom. I was not prepared to be a Single Mom, not in this bedroom community in Westchester, NY. Actually not anywhere. Believe it or not in this idyllic community, it just wasn't done. Besides, I did not have anywhere near the education that most of the stay at home moms in my neighborhood had. I was sure I could not provide for myself much less two little kids.
I guess my "country" was an island, as in "no man is..." Plenty of women are. My fantasy island was fruitful and full of life. My children were beautiful and innocent. The island was full of imagination and possibilities. At the same time I lived in fear of the tsunami that would come and take everything. I stepped gingerly, trying not to wake the gods/enemy. I tried to camoflage our habitat, but the enemy is always there, waiting for you to stumble beyond the perimeter and whack you like an insane golfer trying to swing his way out of a sand trap. Somehow my kids and I grew up. They went to college, I tried to. I'm still trying to.
I read a piece in Raw Story tonight about how Santa Barbara has set aside 12 parking areas for the homeless women and elderly who have lost everything due to the down turn in the economy. They are allowed to sleep in their cars in safety from 7PM to 7 AM. 12 parking lots full of the dispossessed in Santa Barbara. Does no one have any shame in this country? Where are all of the great christians? Even though my personal country now is self sufficient and somewhat free, I feel like the flashlight and the gun might come in handy these days. Peace


ellwort said...

Work sucks for too many people - fighting heroically all day just to stay in the same place (like WWI). Actually nowadays it's more like fighting heroically all day just to be told it wasn't quite good enough.
Something gotta give; we may be at a social tipping point. Breaking point - really!
Let's get our hands on a comfy cozy car and drive to Santa Barbara. Never BEEN the-ere!
- A

ellwort said...

A chorus of voices gathered by super senator Bernie:


Kate Anne said...

Peace, indeed -- keep the faith. And thanks for being there for Sam latest last show.

Peace hugs!

Anonymous said...

"Part of the reason why it's so painful in Santa Barbara is, there's so little in the way of alternative housing," Quigley said. "If there were alternative low and moderate housing and rental accommodations that were reasonably close by, you can imagine it wouldn't have this desperate look to it as people living in their cars."