Saturday, August 21, 2010

Eminem at Yale; 2001 - 2002

Rapper Eminem Joins Yale Faculty

"Real Slim Shady" to Teach Beowulf, Chaucer

NEW HAVEN, CONN. - Yale president Dr. Richard Levin ended weeks of media speculation yesterday when he confirmed that rapper Eminem will teach at the prestigious university this fall.

According to Dr. Levin, the controversial Detroit-based vocalist will lecture in Anglo-Saxon and old English poetry, with a focus on Beowulf, a work that Levin described as "a popular Medieval epic."

"We’re very excited that Mr. Eminem is joining the Yale family," Levin stated at a press conference. "The faculty feel they just aren’t reaching the students these days, that we aren’t even speaking the same language any more. We finally decided that a culture change is required, and one day Mr. Eminem’s name came up. I warmed to the idea right away. Having a star of Mr. Eminem’s caliber on campus will prove to our young people that school’s still cool, if you will; that literature professors aren’t just a bunch of swinging dicks with our noses stuck in old books."

"Solid," commented an unnamed journalist. "Shit sounds like the bomb, Professor."

"Word," replied Levin. "Very much so."

When asked if he believed Eminem’s own assertion that he is the "real" Slim Shady, Dr. Levin hesitated. "Based on the facts I have, yes, I think he is. His look is brutal, his rhymes are bad as shit, and he rocks all the bitches, all the time." When pressed on the issue, Levin would only say that, "If there’s a truer Slim Shady in all of academia, I certainly haven’t met him."

Levin refused to comment extensively on Eminem’s recent legal troubles. The entertainer is alleged to have assaulted a man he believed was getting jiggy with his old lady.

In Levin’s words, "The only information I have about the incident is that which Mr. Eminem himself gave me." When asked to elaborate, Dr. Levin replied, "Well, he was all, 'I was pissed off! I really felt that I wanted to do that shit. At one point in time, I really wanted to do that shit. For real.'" Levin paused, then added, "And besides, as we all know, Money’s hookahs be his own damn bid’ness."

Eminem himself was not available for comment at press time. Roger Carlisle, legal counsel for the embattled superstar, issued the following statement: "Mr. Eminem looks forward to sharing his passion for Anglo-Saxon verse with the gifted young minds at Yale. He's amped. He’s into it. His shit is tight."

The university later released the following sample from Eminem’s fall lecture notes on Beowulf:

Book One: The Hall Heorot is Attacked by Grendel
His name is Grendel, that evil bitch
Switch cocked a hit to the Hall Heorot
Its not a Hall for him, that son of Cain
But, slain he did about thirty Danes.

Book Two: The Coming of Beowulf to Heorot
"Punk ass mofo cocked his fist to my boys,"
Spoke Hygelac to Beowulf (whom he employs)
[In a manner of speaking, it was Hygelac who sought revenge, and thus in turn hired his bravest soldier Of the Danish Army, Beowulf, and then, at his behest, Beowulf did set sail to Heorot.]

Book Three: The Feast at Heorot
Brothers be feastin’ like a herd of Nell Carters
In comes Unferth talkin’ bout the waters--
How our main nigga Wulf lost a snap to Brecca,
Heck yeah, but now Wulf’s betta, spit em out like feta,
Cheese, put you on your knees, beggin, "Oh please,
Go find Grendel."

Book Four: The Fight with Grendel
Pump, pump goes Wulfie, throw up your hands, stand, in the air
I got clout, gonna take you out, spout, your blood
Buck, buck you down, Grendel, down like Skylab:
Down like feathers, Lewinsky, and mad TAB.

Book Five: Celebration at Heorot
Sup, Sup for da killah, cold chowin’ wid his boys
Got Sigemund, not Freud, dragon couldn’t avoid
His sword, got Hrothgar there givin’ props to Beo,
"You gotta new Daddy now--I’m takin’ charge like Baio!"

Book Six: Grendel’s Mother Attacks
"I’m Grendel’s mother, yes I’m the real mutha
All those other Grendel’s muthas are just undercover
So won’t the real Grendel’s mother please stand up? Please stand up! Please stand up!"
This Grendel’s mother was a tough-ass ho
Like my main dudes from Hazard, Luke and Bo
Slice the Danes like Velveeta, thick and cheesy
She got Ginsu on the ass of the great man Aschere.

Book Seven: Beowulf Attacks Grendel’s Mother
Bitch be flipped like Wilson, like a flapjack on Sunday
Beowulf, his sword Hrunting
Go hunting, bitch punting
Drop momma to the mat like my boy Max Schmelling
But his trusty sword’s limp, like Philip K’s dick,
So he grabs another blade and runs it through her quick.

Book Eight: Further Celebration at Heorot
"Give props to Allah, Lord God Mighty,
He’s tidy, mighty fine, he’s guzzlin’ down Shasta
Through the portals of Time."

Book Nine: Beowulf Returns Home
Welcomed back to the hood
Like comin’ back from Desert Storm
All the hussies in the house be feelin’ up his form.
Spake the hero: "I cleaned house like Pledge, like Florence, like Hazel
I’m the quicker picker upper from the planet Fatal."

Book Ten: Beowulf and the Dragon
Dear Diary, Fifty years gone by and I’ve not a thing to complain about. Really, all has been quite fine. But what’s this. . .?

Book Eleven: Beowulf Attacks the Dragon
Fire-breathin’, scaly-demon, no-money lizard
Settin’ things ablaze like a cheap-ass Mr. Wizard
Wulfie grabs the mike, tips his cap to the ladies,
Starts talking smack to reptilian Slim Shady:
"Step back, man; ain’t got no Fate, man.
But when I grab the mike I rock a phat jam."
[The dragon, puzzled at the absence of both mike and ladies, continues along his path of wanton Destruction until Beowulf’s kinsman Wiglaf intervenes.]
"Yo yo yo, I’m krazy-ass Wiglaf,
Fightin’ dragons to the death, so you can just kiss off."
But Wulf’s fucked up, he’s wounded and bleeding;
Wig busts a cap into the ass of the seething.

Book Twelve: Beowulf’s Funeral
They torched Wulf’s body like it was Hester Prynn
Shipped him out to sea cuz he couldn’t swim.

And that be the end of brave Beowulf--huh!
Massive props to that nigga: he was full-on nutz.
Home > Eminem to Teach at Yale


gloryoski said...

Funny, Arch. :P ;)

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ellwort said...

I didn't write this. It was something going around on the open sores internet coincidentally when I was studying the Old English (alias Anglo-Saxon) language. I don't know the name of whoever should get credit for it. Hwæt! pretty cool, though, eh?

gloryoski said...

Yeah _pretty_ cool. ;)